Misguided Dating Advice…
…or, what someone should have told me when I was young(er) and dumb
Disclaimer: Little of what follows is based on actual, successful dating experience. If anything, I failed at all of these steps, repeatedly, and with great fanfare. You are warned.
It appears the manufactured holiday Valentine’s Day must be near, as evidenced by the annual inundation of 1-800 Flowers, Sherri’s Berries, Kay Jeweler’s, and creepy giant bear commercials. Single people – ignore these commercials. Take it from me, an old(er) married guy who has no idea what he’s talking about, here’s what you actually need to know as you prepare for a random day in February.
Misguided Dating Advice
If interested, ask. There doesn’t really need to be any additional analysis. The more you analyze, the more emotionally invested you get in something that doesn’t yet exist. Just ask. If yes – hooray! If no, you’re out roughly 45 seconds of your time. (If only little Jeff had known this simple principle…)
If asked, the answer is either “Hell no,” or “Yes.” Those are your options. Again, analysis is a waste of time. Unless there is some data that makes you say, “hell no,” like the other party is totally creepy, or way too young or way too old, or has a swastika tattoo, or is the wrong gender for your taste, or is a Packers fan, you should say yes. Why not give it a shot? At least get a free dinner out of the deal…
Set small goals. The only thing you should try and establish on the first date is if the other party is a “hell no” or a “yes” for a second date. That’s it.
That’s it.
THAT’S IT!
There is no way that you can tell if this person is marriage material after three hours, two of which were spent in a darkened movie theater. The only question you need to ask yourself is – did I have fun? If yes, then go have fun again. If not – no harm, no foul, move on.
Happiness first, fulfillment second. You don’t need to know if this person can fulfill you right away. You have time to figure that out – like months and years to figure that out. For now, the only thing you need to be concerned with is does this person make me happy. That’s it.
That’s it.
THAT’S IT!
Are you sensing the trend?
Be honest. Do you want to go bowling with this person or not? Do you want to really want to see “Fifty Shades Darker” or not? If watching the Packers season retrospective is the invite, and you literally can’t imagine anything worse (because you’re human and nothing could be worse), then don’t agonize over what you think the other party wants you to say – just tell the truth. Namely, “I will never be seen with someone wearing Styrofoam cheese on their head.” Unless, of course, you are interested enough in the person that their happiness supersedes your desire to read a book, or nap, or do whatever it is you would rather be doing. In that case, maybe you really DO like this person…!
At the end of the day, you are still you. You are not defined by your relationships, you define your relationships.
Have fun. Don’t make this complicated. You either are or are not having fun. If you have fun, keep having fun. If it’s not fun, pull the ejector cord and move on. Sure, in any lasting relationship there will be difficult times, but if there are more bad times than good it’s time to go. Really, if the good/bad ratio is worse than 85/15 over a period of time it’s probably time to bail.
There is no fate. You are not fated to anyone. No one is fated to you. There are 7 billion people in the world, which means there are probably tens, if not a hundred million people whom you could find attractive. Of those hundred million people, there’s probably a considerable number with whom you could even enjoy spending time. The world has not pre-ordained “the one.” Frankly, the world doesn’t care.
There is no fate. There is only choice. Keep making choices. Yes I had fun, no I did not. Yes I want to see this person again, or “meh.” There’s no need to make dating any more complicated than that; what are my choices in this moment, and what decision do I make?
Choice is not only more practical, it’s more romantic. Sure, there are millions of attractive people in the world – I choose you. Sure, I could find meaningful, substantial connection with lots of different people – I choose you. I could spend my Friday night doing any number of different things – I choose to spend it with you. There is no fate. There is no meant-to-be. There’s just choice that becomes commitment, and commitment is nothing but choice repeated.
And so, as Valentine’s Day looms, a dark cloud on the horizon, don’t make this dating thing any harder than it needs to be. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Eat a nice dinner. Stay away from Packer fans. All will be well.
You’re welcome.